The Roller Coaster

It took me a while to figure this out but I am on a roller coaster. They said this would happen. But I guess I just wasn’t expecting it to be the way it is.

Some times for no reason I can name I am on top of the world. My emotional repertoire has grown immensely. And if you know me you know that is saying quite a bit.

I never believed the ‘men shouldn’t cry’ BS. But for me it wasn’t just crying when something very tragic happened. It was crying at movies and when life changed course. I felt that even those that say ‘it is OK for men to cry’ didn’t mean these kind of things. So I always tried to suppress my feelings.

But now as I become more the real me I am finding and feeling, emotions I never had before. It is so intense and wonderful.

But it also goes the other way. When things upset me it is much more intense. I am so much more compassionate than I used to be. When I see an injustice I just start crying.

At this point my roller coaster is huge. That is to say I am on top of the world for hours or days, then it goes down. At these times I am very easily upset and extreamly sensative. These times are very hard, but fortunately usually they don’t last that long.

I am learning to deal with them. I am learning to enjoy them. Often my emotions seem to be multi-tasking. People ask me, ‘how are you doing’ and a half dozen emotions want to reply. Sometimes I think I need to learn how to manage them better.

Then it occurred to me that all of this will end. At some point I will be done with the transition and get off of the roller coaster.

But I am enjoying the roller coaster, even when it plunges down. I am enjoying learning who I am. I am enjoying caring more. I am enjoying being so much more in touch with my emotions.

And so I have decided to savor this part of my life. Every part of life is special. When I got married and my wife and I lived in Germany that was special. When my childern were born, that was very special. When my kids were little and we would take them all downtown that was special. So many special stages of life.

This is one of those special stages of life. I want to cherish all of it: the ups and the downs.