In some ways the days have been dragging by and in other ways they seem so full and busy. But I am down to just 4 days and a few hours to a new me. No, the me that has always been coming out more. I am so excited and beyond any emotions I have words for.
Sometimes it seems silly to make so much out of a space only a very few will ever see. But it is such a defining space, one that has been wrong for far too long. And while few will see that space I see it every day. And I want to spend the rest of my days seeing a space that makes sense to me and fits and is pleasing.
The intensity of it all is so beyond. Just knowing this is about to happen. I wonder is this how a butterfly feels as it comes out of its cocoon? Are these the thoughts and feeling a baby would have during birth if they could comprehend and express what was happening? Birth, re-birth, becoming you, is such a powerful and amazing thing.
I know I have said this before, but it is so vivid right now. Although there is a lot of pain in being trans, this phase of my transition is so amazing so beautiful, and intense. There are times I wish there was a way for me to bottle some of it up to share with you all. I know it sounds crazy who, that isn’t trans, would want to experience this. Believe me, if I could put it in a bottle I am sure I wouldn’t have any problem sharing this amazing experience.
Maybe it is some kind of mystical payback for all of the pain. I have lived so many years not fitting in and not knowing why. I have bottled up so much of who I am. All of that cost me so much. Now the universe choses to bless me with this, I’m not going to complain.
Is all of this normal, is it how all trans people feel about this? I really don’t know. I know for many trans people getting this space fixed is very important. But do they go through all the emotions (that really isn’t the right word, but I don’t know what other word to use, but this is beyond emotions) I am? Maybe part of this experience is just part of who I am. I am so very sensitive. I know part of that sensitivity is the hormones and going through a second puberty (this one is a LOT better than the first one). But long before my pills I was very sensitive, I just buried it most of the time, now I allow me to be me.
With all of this excitement over one day of amazing change, it would be so easy to forget that the rest of life exists. Yet as obsessed as I am over this, I have so much more going on. I have our garden, which was so much fun last year, so we are doing that again. Lord willing and covid not prohibiting, we will be making a trip to Seattle this summer to visit our family and friends there. All of which I miss so very much. Beyond that, we have holidays and birthdays to celebrate. I have a world to fight for equality for, something I am still an infant in, but so desperately want to grow.
I feel so young and full of life and wanting to grow and learn. The world is amazing. It isn’t perfect, but isn’t that why HaShem (God) put us here? We are so blessed to be part of God’s creation. And while there are rivers to tame for power and minerals to mine for metals, the greatest chore and blessing HaShem has given us is the task of helping humanity grow up. May we all be part of bringing love and peace to our world.
