Well, actually less than that now that you are reading this. Do you think I am a bit excited? I feel like every cell in my body is crying out for this. I have waited my whole life for this. No it is not the end there are other steps to take beyond this, but it is one of the biggest steps.
I remember when I first got my surgery date. On one hand, I was so relieved that it wasn’t months or a year away. On the other hand, at the time, 6 weeks seemed like I had a lot of time on my hands before the special day. Tomorrow morning I will only have about a week. Those other five weeks seem to have quickly gone by.
In those weeks I have been to so many pre-op medical appointments and I still have a few left for next week. I also learned to see the big picture while being absorbed in my up coming transformation.
That big picture is all that has lead up to this. I have said before “It takes a village”, to transition, in many ways just to survive as a trans person. But to the point, so many have been part of what has brought me here. I wish I could reach out and huge and thank all of you that have been part of my village. You have given me the courage to come out. You have given me the courage to take the next step and now you have given me the courage to take this leap.
It is a leap. As one friend pointed out there is no going back, not easily anyway. Once the job is done your life is changed forever, so you need to be sure this is the right step. I pondered that for a bit, ‘How do you “know” it is the right step?’. I was reminded, and this is very true, that I tend to go to extremes. Once something has caught my eye I don’t slowly wade in seeing if the temperature is likable, I dive in with all my might.
But I have also jumped out of the pool a few times just to go to a different one, or have I. I have changed religions several times, spending well over a decade each time. And each time I felt this was it, this was the “truth”. It would be easy to see such behavior and conclude I don’t know where I am going, or my “faith” is very wishy washy.
While that is a valid perspective, looking at my changes from the outside, I don’t think it is accurate. Yes, I have definitely jumped out and dived into a few different religious pools, but I don’t think that was so much changing as growing. I started out with a very narrow perspective of life based on the religion I was following at the time. Over the years each new pool I tried broadens my perspective of life. In the process, I have gone from a very critical person to a very accepting person. To me that is growth, not being wishy-washy.
In the same way these past few years I have explored who I am. I have considered my past and all of the messed up things I didn’t understand. I have looked at the enormous variety in the world and pondered where do I fit. And with each step I have found life, I have found more of me.
The reality is I have not “dived into this”, oh I have moved fast by some people’s perspective, but I have not “dived in”. I have slowly methodically considered each step and what the options were. In some cases, I have held back despite medical professional’s advice to move forward.
Yet here I am about to change my physiology for the rest of my life in about a week. Much of that is due to my village that has given me the ability to blossom. But much of it is due to the depths of my soul crying out for this.
How do I know? How did Picasso know he was a painter? How did Mozart know he was a composer? How does a butterfly know it is time to leave its cocoon? Does it ask itself why, when it is struggling to get out of the cocoon? It would take vastly less energy to simply stay where it is. But then it is not living, in fact, it is choosing to die. To not move forward is a choice to die.
I have chosen to move forward. Yes there are risks, but life has risks. I don’t believe HaShem (God) has brought me this far for things to fail. While being trans is very hard and painful at times, it is also quite amazing. At times I feel like I am watching a beautiful flower blossom in slow motion, but I am the flower. I have grown in so many ways, but perhaps the biggest change has been in my heart. I have gone from a cold critical person to an accepting loving person. I want to continue down that path of growth.
