I keep wondering where will I land. I am currently constantly high on estrogen. I am extremely emotional and in various ways, my perspective on life is changing. Eventually, my doctor will say it is time to lower my estrogen levels, but where will I land?
I know my emotions are heightened. If I am happy, I am usually very happy. If I am upset, I am almost always really upset. Whatever the emotion, it is usually quite intense. While at times this is difficult, when something hurts it really hurts, most of the time it is quite amazing and wonderful. Yet I know most, if not all of this, is my estrogen giving my emotions a big boost. So I remind myself that this will eventually subside.
Then there is caring, something I never did much of before. Oh, I cared about my family and friends. I cared about those I knew and those in the groups I associated with, but that was pretty much where my caring ended. Now I seem to care about everyone. When I hear about people in need, my heart hurts and I wish there was more that I could do to help. While the intensity of my emotions here may decrease as my estrogen does, I can’t see going back to who I was before. This I know is the loving person within expressing herself and that isn’t going to change.
But then there are so many other things for which I have no idea. I have desires to learn so many things that I never really thought about before. Some of my old habits are fading away and new ones are starting. How many of these are just a phase and how many are going to last?
In short, I am a little girl wondering who will I be when I grow up. Life is wonderful and difficult and full of so many new things and even when things hurt it is amazing. I want it all to never end, but I know someday some of it will.
So, for now, I savor every minute. I delight in all that I am going through. And every now and then I wonder where will I land.