A while back, shortly after I had come out, I was asked “isn’t there anything left (of the person you used to be)”? I had been excitedly and emphatically sharing how different I was, that Jasmine-Arabella was not at all the same as the person I was of the past. The question seemed to be asked almost in desperation. There seemed to be a need to connect who I am now to the person they knew me as many years ago. At the time I didn’t really have an answer, but I do now.
Back then I was so enthralled with all the newness of everything I was experiencing. There was a lot that was new for me. And it was so much so that trying to connect to my past seemed pointless, ‘I am a new creature’. But looking back to the time of this conversation and considering who I was before transitioning I realize much of the “new” was/is a rebirth of things that have always been.
I have always loved being out in the woods. As a teen, I would spend hours wandering in the woods. Back then I didn’t know why, I just liked being there. For sure we can all appreciate the beauty of nature in such settings. But I now see so much more. Being on a hike in the woods is so much more than just the “beauty” of nature now. Although that is definitely a part of it.
As is true for many of my activities, being on a hike or a backpacking trip some how brings a harmony between my soul and all that is. Climbing and dancing also do this for me. But each activity seems to have its own flavor of joy, and so I love them all.
When I was in my early 20’s, I started running. That has continued off and on my whole life. More off than on up to now. Now running, like my other activities is so much more. I don’t just run for the exercise, I run for the joy it brings.
Even my dancing I have realized has always been with me, even though I hid it for most of my life. As a child, I had nodules on my vocal cords which caused me to sound very hoarse. This eventually went away, but left everyone with this lasting impression that I was musically inept, and totally incapable of anything in that realm. The result of this was that I was discouraged from doing anything musical. As a youth, I so wanted to dance, but never dared even try.
Beyond my activities, I have always been an engineer. I don’t mean that from a professional perspective but in that, it is the way my brain works. Because of that, I have always been rather curious and very much a questioner.
I have always had a tender loving heart, even though I hid it much of the time under the cover of right-wing bull shit. I remember a time when I thought I might have run over a cat. At the time I didn’t like cats and often made fun of them. Because of that all of my friends thought it was funny that I hit a cat. I was terrified and all my right-wing BS couldn’t hold that in. I insisted on going back to find the cat and get it any care it needed. In the end, we couldn’t find the cat and concluded, much to my relief, that I had missed it.
I am sure there are other things from my past that are very much a part of me. At the time I didn’t see them in the same way you don’t see the caterpillar after the butterfly has blossomed. I was so focused on the butterfly I had become I didn’t see all that the caterpillar was that gave me who I a now.
Life is an amazing journey, but like any journey what you can see at any given time depends on where you are now.
