The Next Step

I have debated about sharing this topic.  It is quite personal, and for me, very intense.  To share or not to share has been my question for a while now.  But the deciding factor was my privilege.  While I am not super wealthy or many other things that the word “privilege” may bring to mind, I do have advantages others do not.  

I am not rich, but I am quite comfortable now.  I live in a neighborhood and society that is quite safe.  I can express myself without serious concern of reprisals from those that would feel otherwise.  And I am white living in a mostly white neighborhood.  To think that the color of my skin gives me privilege hurts so much, why should that matter.  Yet sadly it does.

So I look at my place in this world of ours and even though I fall under a couple of protected classes, I am very privileged.  Yet there are so many that are not.  They don’t have a voice, or have to literally risk their lives to have a voice.  So many that can not speak freely, how can I but not speak up.  

To me, being trans is a birth defect.  I should have been born with girl parts, but something wasn’t quite right and I ended up with the wrong parts. I have struggled with this disconnect between my soul and my body my whole life.

As a small child, I remember watching a Star Trek episode where Captain Kirk is put on a spinning table.  On the other side of the table was a woman.  The table spun for a while and when it stopped his essence was in her body and vice versa.  I remember as a child watching that episode and wishing such a machine existed.  

But it doesn’t, I have cried so hard about that. I want a magic wand that can instantly fix everything. That can put me in the female body I should have been born with.

But being transgender is a journey.  It is a journey of self-discovery.  It is a journey of becoming yourself.  And to be fair there are parts of this journey that are amazing and beautiful. Discovering yourself as an adult is quite a unique experience. It is like watching a flower blossom in slow motion, but I am the flower. At times this journey of self-discovery is so very intense, and I cry not for good, or bad, but simply the intensity of it all. The next step of my journey which I chose to share with you, my friends, is also quite intense.

Early in the morning on April 19th, I will be going into the hospital for Gender Affirmation Surgery.  I will be in surgery for five to eight hours. If all goes well I will be in recovery later that day and heading home the following weekend. Then I will be on medical leave from work for five to seven more weeks. 

I wish there were words I could share that fully express how I feel about this. For me this is so amazing, it is the closest I will ever get to that magic wand. For me, it is a miracle to be made whole. To say I am excited about this day would be a great understatement. You can ask my wife, I am quite obsessed and overwhelmed about it.

But I am doing my best to not unplug from the rest of my life. I am working with my family on our garden. We are planning our trip to Seattle and other fun projects. And I want to stay in touch with all of you. I will be blogging about my experience somewhat, so you can just check my blog if you want to know how I am doing. If you want to have more of a conversation I will be responding to chat, email, etc. as I can.

I want to end by letting you know that many of you and are part of my journey. Please never discount the smallest thing, a kind word, getting pronouns correct and so many other forms of acceptance are invaluable. They are the fuel that make the journey possible. Thank you so very much.

PS: If you mostly know me from work and want to chat while I am on medical leave, we will need to find alternate ways to connect. I will not be on work email, chat, etc. while I am out on medical leave. Please contact me now so we can figure out how to stay in touch.