I know being trans isn’t supposed to be easy, and believe me, it isn’t. I have bearly started and already I have had some very difficult times, and I am sure there are bigger ones down the road. But like everything in life it isn’t all one-sided, there is a joyful side to being trans too.
For me, since I didn’t figure out I was trans till much later in life, there are the joys of self-discovery. My guess is this is true to some degree for all trans. Sometimes it is hard but most of the time it is unbelievable. I wish I could put it to words what it feels like discovering this person within that you never knew about. I’m sure for some of you that sounds kind of creepy, believe me, nothing could be further from the reality of it.
I think maybe the best way I might be able to describe it is this. Imagine you found an old photo from many years past. The photo is of an obviously very happy time, a party or celebration. At first, you look at it and say ‘is that me?’. You scratch your head and try to remember the event. Slowly it all comes back to you, ‘that was so and so’s birthday’ or, ‘oh yes it was at the restaurant after that great concert’, or some similar time. As you think about the event, the other people who were with you come to mind. You start recalling the great friendships you had with them, how much fun the event was, the energy and love of life it all brought to you. In those moments of remembrance and reflection the warmth and joy of it all fills your being. I think maybe that is close to what it is like.
Then there is the kind of second childhood. Oh yes, that comes with all of the joys of puberty, but it is still there. For me, a lot of that is exploring my femininity. I never got to do that as a child, so I get to do it now. It is very fun and kind of strange all at the same time. It is fun just in the joys of trying things for the first time, with all of the wonder and amazement of the experience. Trying on my first heels, or lipstick and learning what I like, and figuring out my style. It is strange in that I am simultaneously doing it as both a child going through puberty and an adult. At times it seems I am more in a child’s world. At other times I am more guided by my adult wisdom.
Then there are the emotions. Did I say I am emotional? All of my years presenting as a man I felt a bit well uncomfortable because of my emotions. For a guy, I was rather emotional. But that is nothing compared to the woman within. Sometimes my emotions are so intense it is like a sustained explosion. During these periods my world, even in some weird way who I am, seems infinite. There is this expanse of love and acceptance and giving and so much more. It seems to stretch beyond who I am. I’m sure all of that sounds a bit strange and I don’t know that it even comes close to relating the actual experience, but it seems to be the best words I can find.
I am saddened at times when I recognize the reality that some of this will not last. You only have one chance to do something for the first time. I am told eventually my emotions will settle down. Eventually I will be quite familiar with the woman I always was.
But for now, it is a grand adventure, full of joys and wonderment. Like a small child at Disneyland for the first time, I am going to thrill over every moment of it. And when it is time to leave, I know it is only because HaShem has His next step in my life ready for me. At that time I know I will be ready and eager to follow that new adventure.