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Slowing down, Growing up, Kinda

As many of you know I tend to keep myself very active, often going from one active activity to another. Sometimes doing so all day. May of you know me as the Dancing Queen, who gets on the dance floor as soon as the DJ starts, when it is quite empty, and doesn’t leave until the staff kicks me out. Well all of that is changing, kind of.

Since coming out to the world as Jasmine-Arabella in November of 2019 my life has been amazing. For sure there have been hard times, in fact, some extremely hard times, but overall, it has been amazing. Especially after COVID was over and I discovered I am not the quiet introvert I always seemed to be but actually an extremely active extrovert, the crowd is never too big the party is never too long.

For the past couple of years, I have been living life to the fullest. Dancing at least once a week and often two or three times a week. I started climbing and fell in love with that. So lots of time on the wall and out on mountains. Then there is running and hiking and so many other things I do a bit of or want to do. I have had such an amazing time finding the things that touch my soul. Things that make me feel so very alive.

I have had so much fun with all of this, but there has been a cost to it all. Mainly in that, there are things I consider important, some very important, that I have for the most part ignored. We all only have so much time and resources. I chose to invest nearly all of mine into discovering who this person is that I have hidden for so long.

A big part of that was a lot of “phases”. Just like a little girl will go through a phase where she likes to dress up, or a teenager will go through a rebellious phase. In these past few years, I explored so many things and went through so many phases. I went from being a little girl to a young girl, to a teenager, to a young adult, to finally an adult (I think).


Slowing down

A few months ago I realized it was about time for me to, complete this process of transitioning and self-discovery. The reality is I had realized I had finished a while ago, I just didn’t quite want to accept it. I was having so much fun and experiences that are so beyond “fun”. Things for which there is no words or language that does them justice. If I was to know I was going to die tomorrow, I would do so knowing I have lived, so beyond anything I ever felt I would, so beyond what many have the opportunity to do.

But now that I know, for the most part, who this girl is that was locked up so long ago it is time to focus on, dare I say it, grown-up things. For the past couple of years I was not being as responsible as I should have been in many areas of my life. Because of that, I have lost some parts of my previous life. Some parts that are incredibly important and special to me. I can’t wave a magic wand and undo the damage I have done. But I can make being the person I should be a priority and maybe things can grow back.

But as I said we all only have so much time and resources, to focus more on the things I have neglected, means I have less ‘fun time’ then I have had in the past. This means two things. First off I am going to maximize my time as best I can in all that I do. In the past I would attend events that were kinda interesting, but didn’t really do that much for me. I don’t have the time for that anymore. So you may see me not as active in some areas as I was, so that I have more time for event that make my soul soar. Secondly, there is no way around the fact that I am going to just have to cut back on some of my “fun” things.

Kinda

So you will not seem me out at the clubs every weekend and I might not be doing other things as much as I was. But I have concluded that quality is more important to me than frequency. I would rather go out dancing less often and know that when I do I can afford the time to dance all night, then have several nights where I have to leave early.

I want to be totally engaged in what I am doing now and not distracted by the future. That goes for my “fun” time and especially the things I have neglected. As much as I can I want every waking moment to be a mindful one. Life is so amazing and I want to savor every moment.

Don’t despair I am not going to become an old fuddy-duddy, well at least not for anther 30 or 40 years. I am going to still be The Dancing Queen. I am going to still be out there running, climbing, hiking, etc. I am going to still spread my glitter all over the place. But I am also going to be responsible and, love with all my heart, the beautiful people who have given me the opportunity to find myself. I am going to start supporting the causes that are dear to my heart. I am going to grow in new ways and become an even more amazing butterfly.