For most of us life is not one continuous stream of progress. Fibonacci’s rule of three steps forward and one step back seems to haunt us all. So it isn’t a question of having setbacks but more of how to deal with them. Today was one of those days for me.
I got my court order for my name change back in mid-March. But I learned shortly after that that it was just the tip of the iceberg. Now there is a never-ending list of places I need to get my name updated at.
But before I can do much more I need to get my driver’s license updated. But before I can do that I need to get my birth certificate updated. And so was my setback today.
I sent in the paperwork to get my birth certificate updated shortly after I got the court order. Then I waited and waited for the 6 to 8 weeks to pass to get my updated certificate back. Today it was over nine weeks, so I decided it was time to give them a call. The lady I talked to was very nice, but she explained that there was an issue with my application and it was rejected.
All I wanted to do was to cry. There are still many places where my name is incorrect, but most of those places will only update it after I have an updated driver’s license. The lady explained what I needed to do to get it accepted, but it still means starting all over again. It means waiting weeks, likely months to get this fixed. It all hurt so much.
So I cried a bit. For sure I was quite upset much of the day, but I did my best to pull myself together and move on. I made a list of the things I needed to do to get this fixed as fast as I can. Then I moved on, I had many other plans for the day.
As I resisted the urge to curling up in a ball and crying all day, I realized that part of all of this growing I am doing is learning to balance my emotions with the rest of who I am.
I have spent decades pretending to not be emotional. While I was always far more emotional than the average guy, I was still bottling up so much. Jasmine-Arabella is VERY emotional. It is such an intense and integral part of who I am. And I want to express this part of who I am without restraint. I want to let this lady that has been hidden for so long have full rein.
Yet today I realized I can’t always do that. Even more important is the realization that that isn’t all I am. I am not just an extremely emotional woman. There is more to me than that, much more. There is the part that screams with extreme indignation at the in-equalities in our society. There is the little girl that is trying to learn what it means to be a woman while she tries her best to enjoy the childhood she never had. And there are the parts of me I have always expressed. My logical side, my compulsions to have everything neat and tidy, my never-ending desire for perfection, and so much more.
So today in this setback that hurt so much I learned a bit about balance. About learning who I am while holding on to that which I have been. I am a very emotional woman. I am also a person who has always tried to let reason guide me and be open to considering all that is before me. Part of me wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. But not all of me. Part of me wanted to have a productive day. So I chose to ignore the disappointment as best I could and move on. I got a number of important things done, and I spent some good time with my family. And in so doing I learned a bit more about myself and let a little bit more of Jasmine-Arabella blossom.